Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Feeling old and fat......

I am really making an effort to get back into shape. I have rejoined Weight Watchers and have been exercising daily. Right now my body HATE me. I am in so much pain from using muscles that haven't been used in YEARS.  But I am sick of wearing ugly clothes that don't fit right.  And the fact that I jiggle all over. I can't stand to look in the mirror anymore.

Gaining all this weight has put me into a very deep depression and I need to deal with it.
I want to be able to play with my kids. Go on hikes like I used to. And to feel attractive again.

Luckily I am blessed with a husband who finds me sexy. He doesn't understand why I feel the way I do about myself.  It is hard to explain to him. But this is something that I need to do for myself. He has offered to join me in my venture and that makes me so happy. It would definitely be easier if we are able to support each other.

Thursday, March 3, 2016


I had a meltdown. I accidentally packed my meds so I was off them for 3 days. It felt like a LIFETIME. It amazes me how well they really work. I have been on antidepressants since I was 17. This specific combo is the first time that I have felt "normal". I take antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.  Without them, I would be a sobbing mess that never leaves the house.

Friday, February 26, 2016

The Feels

I am sure that most of us have seen Kelly Clarkson singing "Piece by Piece" now. That song hit me incredibly hard and pulled my heart strings. After my tumultuous relationship with my father, I finally made the decision to completely disassociate myself and my children from him.
To backtrack a bit; I grew up with my father addicted to alcohol, cocaine and marajuana. He was a small time dealer (he dealt weed to his friends). He was very abusive. Verbally, mentally and physically.  A few friends remember when I went to 6th grade with a handprint bruised on my face.
All I EVER wanted was a Daddy to love me and let me be his Princess. Sadly, my father wasn't capable of liking me, let alone loving me. He resented the very  fact that I was even born.  But then to be born a (gasp) female...the world ended. As much as I tried, he could never accept me. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Yet I spent DECADES trying to gain his approval. Why you ask. Because it was the ONE thing I couldn't have. I hated him but wanted him to love me. Talk about screwing up your own mind.
A few months ago I found a quote that hit hard. "A daughter should not  have to beg her father for a relationship". So I took a screen shot and sent it to my Dad. His response? "Sometimes you have to let go of the people who are toxic in your life". To that I responded with a quote about the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE of a parent. Then I realized at that moment that he will never be capable of that and never has been. I just typed, "Goodbye".
I haven't been in contact with him since then and I feel so much better. I am finally beginning to feel worthy of love. (That's a whole nother topic)
Back to my point.......this song hit me hard and I am grateful to have a husband that not only loves me, he loves my boys too. He is a father to them and is there  for them even when they are difficult. We are blessed to have a man in our life that loves us UNCONDITIONALLY.  I loved him when I was 15 and never stopped. I thank God for bringing him back into my life. I love you Brian. Piece by piece. ♡♡


Thursday, February 25, 2016

Autism Mom

There is nothing like an Autistic kid being sick. Brett has a "nasty, raging ear infection". I had no clue before yesterday  because all he told me was that his throat hurt.  How do I put that together to equal an ear infection?

The puzzle piece is such an appropriate symbol for Autism. "Until all the pieces fit ". Not only for a "cure" but in daily life!  I only get pieces of a sentence and I have to put his thoughts together to make sense. I am an interpreter with ZERO training. I am a physical  therapist, speech therapist, Occupational therapist, chauffeur, nurse and above all MOMMY. It is not a role I ever imagined myself in. I am a selfish, impatient person who wants instant gratification.  Guess what? In the world I now live in....There is NO SUCH THING. I have had to learn patience, compassion and understanding.  We have endured  wait lists, waiting rooms and so many tests over the years. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that this is my son....He is AUTISTIC.

He looks normal, is gorgeous in fact. But he acts different, just a bit off. He is hyper sensitive and a smart ass. He is super smart but slow to learn. He is a talkative person but hard to understand. He is my world. He keeps me grounded and has helped teach me things that I would otherwise not learn. Autism has made me a GREAT MOM. Most people will think it's  strange to hear me say that I am grateful for my Autistic son. But I am.
Thank you God, for blessing me with my beautiful, loving Autistic son. He has been teaching me the lessons that you asked him to. I hope that I am making you proud. Because I am proud of my journey, even the hard parts. Amen

Monday, February 22, 2016

A few days away from moving

We are just a few days away from moving. I have not packed nearly as much as I would like. Luckily, my mother in law and sister in law have both offered to come help tomorrow.  Today was spent dealing with a sick kid. Never any fun. It also took time away from packing, as he was super clingy.
On another note...I am so grateful for video chat. I get to see my husband even though he is across the country. I can't  wait until he gets home!!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Our New Year, New Beginning.....again.

Here we are again, time to move. I absolutely HATE moving. I have to pack and clean and sort. Ugh!! I like not knowing what exactly is in the boys rooms. LOL....ignorance can be bliss.
Before Brian left for D.C., he rented a storage unit and a truck so we could get stuff moved out of the garage. Last night Blake helped me with a couple more loads. I figure with 2 more loads to storage, I will be done. Then it's time to focus on the house. I am doing a room a night (minimum) so it will be completely done and ready by the time Brian gets home.
The boys are pretty excited about the move. Brett will be starting (GASP) middle school next year!!! He will be walking or riding his bike. Brayden thinks he will be changing elementary schools but is waiting to see how many friends he makes this summer. LOL!
I am very excited about becoming a GRANDMA for the first time! I was talking to Carter last night and felt him move. Awwww!!!! I am already in love. <3