Friday, February 26, 2016

The Feels

I am sure that most of us have seen Kelly Clarkson singing "Piece by Piece" now. That song hit me incredibly hard and pulled my heart strings. After my tumultuous relationship with my father, I finally made the decision to completely disassociate myself and my children from him.
To backtrack a bit; I grew up with my father addicted to alcohol, cocaine and marajuana. He was a small time dealer (he dealt weed to his friends). He was very abusive. Verbally, mentally and physically.  A few friends remember when I went to 6th grade with a handprint bruised on my face.
All I EVER wanted was a Daddy to love me and let me be his Princess. Sadly, my father wasn't capable of liking me, let alone loving me. He resented the very  fact that I was even born.  But then to be born a (gasp) female...the world ended. As much as I tried, he could never accept me. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Yet I spent DECADES trying to gain his approval. Why you ask. Because it was the ONE thing I couldn't have. I hated him but wanted him to love me. Talk about screwing up your own mind.
A few months ago I found a quote that hit hard. "A daughter should not  have to beg her father for a relationship". So I took a screen shot and sent it to my Dad. His response? "Sometimes you have to let go of the people who are toxic in your life". To that I responded with a quote about the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE of a parent. Then I realized at that moment that he will never be capable of that and never has been. I just typed, "Goodbye".
I haven't been in contact with him since then and I feel so much better. I am finally beginning to feel worthy of love. (That's a whole nother topic)
Back to my point.......this song hit me hard and I am grateful to have a husband that not only loves me, he loves my boys too. He is a father to them and is there  for them even when they are difficult. We are blessed to have a man in our life that loves us UNCONDITIONALLY.  I loved him when I was 15 and never stopped. I thank God for bringing him back into my life. I love you Brian. Piece by piece. ♡♡